Saying goodbye to Papa

He stared up at me with the look of a lost child separated from his mother, afraid to ask for help. The blue in his eyes was the same sky blue as it was when I was a child except for the yellow haze around them.
I bent over and kissed him on the top of his head." Hi Papa!"

He smiled and told me I was such a good girl. He said he watched me help mamma hang clothes on the line out in the cold wind today. I knew it was over thirty years ago.
He told me he had been working all day on the corner, trying to fix the metal bar, but that his partner just didn't know how to dip or feed the parts right. His gaze fell on the corner of the room where a bar hung to support the curtain that separated his bed from his roommates.
I forced back the tears that threatened to fall and smiled down at the small white hared man in the wheel chair. It was so hard to see him this way. . He had left home just past age the age of twelve never to return.
He was a small frame man , never educated past the sixth grade but no one ever guessed. He was intelligent, funny and his elflike features ,rounded face and never ending smile always won everyone over.
He said he wanted to give me the brick building. He said he built it just for me, motioning out across the court yard . "Isn't it a beauty? " he implored. "Yes , Papa. It is very grand. You always do such wonderful work."

He reached out and patted my hand, tears trickling down his cheeks. "I love you little girl. " he said. " Now run along downstairs and see your mother before you leave. "I'm tired now".
I assured him there was plenty of time and wouldn't he like to go for a walk? "OK. Let's go!" he said and began to move the upper part of his body as if he was walking alone at his old fast pace. I laughed and told him "Wait for me Papa" just as I had so many times years ago.
Papa was a very hard worker. He always had two and sometimes three jobs, including a full time factory job. He was a jack of all trades . I would tag alone working side by side , racking, driving nails, smoothing out cement. Whatever it took to be with him. Sometimes it was the only way to see him for several days at a time.
I waited until he was seated in the dining room, a big terrycloth bib around his neck, then slipped back to his room to see if he needed anything. Even though I was there almost everyday I still had to be sure if there was anything, no matter how trivial that he might want or need. Like the sugar free candy . I made a mental note to bring more. I knew he wasn't the one eating much of it but I always made sure it was there.
I peeked in on him one more time to be sure he was eating and being helped and then slipped quietly out the employees back exit.

I was just turning the key in the door when the phone began to ring. I rushed to answer, casting the mail aside and stumbling against the dog. He had fallen again! Even in a wheelchair he tried to stand on his twisted legs, gnarled from arthritis., His eyes almost blind. He had insisted he was late for work. God had ordered that man must work and he was following God's plan.
This fall had broken his nose and cut deep into his mouth from the wheelchair flipping. After only a few hours in the hospital we discovered he had cancer in his blood and pneumonia in his lungs.

I was exhausted. I had been through this too many times in just a few short years. Caring for mom, watching her slip away, My brother and sister too, Powerless against the cancer demon that ate away at them. Saying good bye in whatever way I could find to hide the pain I felt. You see out of a big family, (we had 8-11 in our home all the time and sometimes other families) I was the one who feared death. I was so consumed by just the thought of it that I had severe anxiety attacks and even passed out! Yet here I was left to make discussions , and hold the hands of those I loved most on earth!

Papa stayed in the hospital for only a day as they assured me there was nothing more they could do. The dementia had taken it's toll. The rest was in God's Hands. I made arrangements to have him taken to the care home and followed him there. I made sure he was settled in and then returned home to call what was left of the family. He was so happy to be back there. When ever he saw the green buildings he thought he was really home as when he was a child. He thanked me for letting him go home!
My parents had raised five of there own, an uncle  as  a brother to us and also foster brothers. They also raised five grandchildren and at one time for almost two years had eight of their grand kids. I went about the task of calling who might want to know and got the usual response I had for last couple of years, "I can't handle seeing him that way Or "not now . I have my own life to
worry about!"

I had planned to have a hot shower before joining my son and husband at my one remaining brothers for dinner but as I cradled the phone back down it began to ring. I sighed from weariness and picked it up. come quick! He was dying. I called my family and my sister-in-law offered to go with me.

I was driving fast ,dodging traffic, weaving in and out of lanes. I didn't want him to be alone. Even if he didn't know which daughter I was the thought of no one being there was too much. Suddenly, I heard a sweet soft voice  as if someone was very close whispering in my ear, "Be still and know I am God. Haven't I promised I would be with the, even unto the end?"
A peace washed over me. I slowed down. No , Papa wasn't alone.
When we arrived he was gone but on his face was complete contentment and that wonderful elfin grin. I knew then without as doubt he was in the arms of Jesus and I need not be afraid!
I kissed him goodbye and said a prayer of thanksgiving. I could see now that the entire last few years were all in Gods Plans.

Happy Fathers Day Papa
I love you and miss you

midi playing is "Daddy's Hands"

Ecclesiastes3:1 To Every thing there is a season.
ICorinthians15:55 Oh death where is thy sting? where is thy victory?
57 thanks be to God who giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!

If you would like to know more about Dementia here are some links
Dementia Web

Dementia Defined

Health Center

Health Answers

How to Communicate with a Dementia Patient

Memory and Dementia, Things to help your memory